Just a little somethin

I have a spot to smile
And a spot to frown

I have a spot to be happy
And a spot to be down

I have a spot to hug
And a spot to love

I have a spot to talk
And a spot to be above

I have a spot to think
And a spot to have peace

I have a spot to be serious
And a spot to tease

I have a spot to get lost
And a spot to stay still

I have a spot to be unsure
And a spot to have a will

I have a spot to work
And a spot to rest

I have a spot to study
And a spot to take a test

I have a spot to create
And a spot to destroy

I have a spot to feel sadness
And a spot to feel joy

I have a spot to comfort
And spot to be mean

I have a spot to stay hidden
And a spot to be seen

There are spots to exist
That have been created

It's better to love them
Then let them be hated

My Summer

Warm sleep
Heavy head
Cozy feet
Wild dreams
Wake up
I want
Coffee cup
Get dressed
7 AM
Already stressed
Sleepy eyes
Eat food
Eyes drowsy
Grumpy mood
Eggs, bacon

Bathroom taken
Walk outside
Work time
How do
I'm fine
Lunch break
Eat more
Moldy bread
Apple core
Clean counter
Wash dishes
Work more
Grant wishes
Take less
Give much
Try hard
Gentle touch
Voice kind
Voice mean
Actions watched
Actions seen
Watch it.
End day
So tired
Wanna lay
Not yet
Gotta train
Sometimes fun
Sometimes pain
Try, Satisfaction
Tough day
Finally over
Gotta say
Tomorrow brings
Better effort
Try again
Focus, sort
Process, relax
Dreaming of
Forgotten fax
Try again
Clean slate
Time passed
New date

I'm Back (kind of) Part 2

Hello people.

So anyways, at the end of summer I went to a Christian University in Oregon. Crazy to think that was almost a year ago! I came here on a cross country and running scholarship, which is pretty rad. I'm quite blessed to be paid to run. Since then, running has given me so much. I am so thankful. My team has become my best friends and biggest supporters, and through my team I met my boyfriend who I have been dating about half a year. Dang! I feel so different than the freshman in high school that started a blog about her insecurities and boys. You guys, it gets better. I promise. Obviously I don't feel as if I am the most beautiful girl in the world, but I have learned that it is not fair to myself to constantly compare myself and put myself down. I have learned to be confident and to just embrace myself. It is just a more satisfying way to live. I am so grateful for everything that I have, and through my college I have learned a ton about God and my relationship with Him, which is also pretty cool, because God is a pretty cool person. So yeah.
Life is pretty cool, especially after I got through high school.

I'm Back (kind of) Part 1

Hello people of the internet. I have been gone for a long time. In all honesty I forgot I had a blog. Sorry. I think that I began growing out of writing about boys and my insecurities and so subconsciously I just stopped. I've read and re read some of my posts, and I feel like I am a completely different person now.
I graduated from high school in May, and since then I think there has been a lot of self growth, beginning two days after my graduation. I boarded a plane to see my mom's mom for the last time. Witnessing my mom heartbroken and scared made me want to mature and forgive my mom for not always doing things perfectly for me. The visit showed me that my mom was very much human, and that she is still her mom's daughter. She spent the summer with her mother helping her through her last days, and I learned to become a support system for her. At the end of summer, my grandma passed away. Again, I flew down to be there for my mom again. Through it all I got so many lessons in humility. I have a quote by C.S. Lewis written down in my journal that says something like "Humility is not thinking less of yourself. It is thinking of yourself less." I have had a lot of lessons in humility... I'm still learning.

IOU

I pride myself on being independent and strong. It's who I am. I do things by myself for myself. I don't much enjoy people commanding me to do things, or having to answer to people about my life. It's how I have always been, and how I have had to be growing up in my house. 

But, because I'm the youngest and one of the last ones in my parents household, my mom is having a lot of trouble letting go. I'm being spoiled and I don't like it, I'm not used to it, and I don't want it. I don't like having people pay for things for me, or doing things for me, but my mom insists on doing both. It's her way to get into my life and to control me. 

I hate needing her to pay for things for me. I end of having this enormous debt to my parents that I can never pay back, so I just kind of forever owe them things. It's not exactly something I desire, so I'm trying to make a lot of money to slowly separate myself from them. Which sucks, but is essential for my sanity.

Also, quick mention that this is my 100th post on here! Wow, that's a lot of my ranting and whining and thinking. :) 

To No One

I miss the shakes before we aren't sure what to do
I miss the moment right before we kiss
I miss kissing and wanting to get closer
I really miss touching your lips with my fingers
I miss the moment after you pull away when my face gets hot
Then the feeling afterwards when I want to melt

In which I'm still really bitter about this stuff

To my Mom,
Deep down I'm still really angry that you home schooled me. From when I was little, teaching myself to tie my shoes, to using the big kid potty, to learning how to read, to long division, I had to teach myself or listen to you teach the boys. I understand that you were a very busy mommy of 6 working full time, but there were more options than just homeschooling all of us. The boys really needed you to home school them when they would young and learning how to read, back when they would fly off the handle. But me, I was just a regular little girl that was a little bit advanced for my age. I could have been put in public school when I was little so I could learn important staples of education, like simple editing marks or the FOIL method. I missed those because you were doing the best you could with the boys and the rest of us kids and work. I don't blame you for being busy, or having so many kids, but I do blame you for keeping me at home. I would have thrived in public school, no matter how flawed it was. I could have taken advanced classes and still strived for excellence, because that's my nature. In a way, you held me back by trying to get the best for me. You kept me from becoming socially aware until I started travelling for sports, where I got rudely reminded of all my underdeveloped social quirks that come with homeschooling.
Not to mention that I have now come to hate homeschooling. Not only hate, but I despise it. Every single day, sitting at home and missing out on everything that goes on at the high school is like my own personal Hell. It enables me to procrastinate and to put things off or get away with being lazy. I hate that it makes me like that. I just feel so mad and frustrated the longer I sit at home wasting my time. Don't get me wrong, I love the free time, I really do! I just wish I could spend it with others. I hate that you didn't let me get my schooling for math at the school sooner, no matter your reasons. It's really embarrassing to have to re-take Algebra 2 because I never learned the rules of exponents and such. And I'm not saying that it's all your fault, but really, could you have expected a 13 year old girl to have the self motivation to teach herself Algebra? You got me hating math so much that I started settling for B's. Homeschooling has ruined English for me. I hate every second that I write my papers, the paper that I basically write so it looks like you're doing your job of "teaching" me. Honestly, I can't even remember the last time you tried to teach me something.
Actually, that's a lie. I remember you were trying to teach me pre-algebra and was trying to force me to do a problem your way, which is not the way my brain works. You never got that my learning style was different than all your other kids. You would always tell me, "Trust me, I've taught this to 5 other kids before. I know what I'm doing," and you may have known what you were doing with them, but you didn't with me. So I suffered. And hated math.