oh, PROM.

Ah yes, the perpetually talked about cliche subject that is a favorite of every single high schooler in existence in April and May. "What does your dress look like?" "Who are you going with?" "How are you doing your hair??" "What are you doing before prom?
It kind of gets old.
Don't get me wrong, I mean, great for the people that are SO into dinners and dresses and heels and stuff, but honestly, I'm not super into that stuff.
I just love to dance. And I mean, I LOVE to dance. I really do.
I just don't like the aspect where you have to wear an uncomfortable dress allll night, the awkward "Going with a date" thing, taking pictures, doing your hair all fancy and the pre-and-after parties.
Everyone LOVES to use it as an excuse to just get trashed out of town or to get laid.
If you haven't gathered already, I'm not super into that.
Well, to say the least all the hype got me pretty stoked for Friday night, and my expectations were pretty high.
I was a little disappointed.
For pre-prom dinner I went over to my friends house and awkwardly sat around for two hours, and then we went over to the place where the dance was being held.
Dancing was pretty fun, mostly because I love dancing, but then everyone dances in the tight tight circles that you slowly move out of and then your just awkwardly outside of it, dancing by yourself. Which Is why I usually made a different circle and included the more odd kids. And then also the DJ sucked and replayed four different songs and only played 5 slow dances in the four hours I was there.
After prom all the freshman had their own little group and I wasn't really invited to anything that wasn't drinking out of town so Texas spent the night at my house and that was pretty fun, but still, not the same and a non-drinking after party.
So yeah, yay silly high schoolers.
I still had some fun though, it just was not the greatest night of my life.

InsideUp&UpsideDown&RightsideSideways&FrontBack&UpDown.

Um, what?
Seriously, can someone tell me what's going on? Because I sure don't know. Lets start somewhere.

SisterBrother- Well, it sucks so freaking much it isn't even funny. I'm starting to realize now that no matter what, things are never going to work. Which makes me sad, because he makes me so happy. But he drinks, which worries me and he smokes sometimes, I guess. Which is yuck. And then there's the fact that he's a major horndog. Like he sleeps around with lots of girls and is all experienced, which I obviously am not. Not that I would sleep with him of course, but yeah.

Okay, new people to add to my dilemmas!
-Meet Mr.Mess. I am pretty sure he likes me. What?
Yeah.  He wanted to take me to the movies this weekend, thankfully my schedule didn't work to go with him. Don't get me wrong, he's cool, but just... I don't want to lead him on because I'm not really interested. I've heard that he is can be clingy and kind of bugging.

-Meet Champ.
We were going to also go watch a movie a couple weekends ago, but my mom didn't want me out because I had "already been out too much this weekend." What the heck? But anyway, I have no freaking clue if hes interested in me. He's cute, and has potential. He's friendly, and hugs me every day in the hallway, but I'm not sure he sees me like that.

-Meet BigMan.
He's in college. Dang, right?
Started texting me at random and calling me pretty. He's origionally from here, and is coming to visit for break. He asked me to *drumroll* go to the movies with him.
What?
Seriously?
You're asking a high school girl? there are ten million pretty girls at the college he's at.  Why me? I have the sinking feeling he needs a rebound or this is a prank or SOMETHING, but it definitely is weird.

So, yeah.
Did I all the sudden become attractive towards guys? Like what's so great about me now that makes the more attracted?
I also kind of don't really know how to handle all this attention? It's weird. I feel like I'm pretending to be a normal teenager.
Wat?

I feel so freaking boy crazy! I'm annoying the crap out of myself.

there once was a girl,

There once was a girl that loves to read books about cheesy teen romances. She read them with longing, jealously, and wanting. Wanting to be somewhere that there weren't the same people at school every day and where the variety of people was better, where it is harder for the school to know your business. Jealousy for the beautiful girls that don't know their beauty or do and have guys left and right. For their effortlessness in situations. Longing for someone special to make me happy, longing for the confirmation I crave.
Now, this same girl has grown and aged and become more wise, but all those things she wanted she still wants. She wants to feel beautiful and not self conscious, she wants guys to see her for who she is. She wants to have that effortless grace and beauty. She wants to meet better, sweeter guys that she reads about in her books. The ones who don't drink and party and smoke pot, who don't flirt with anything that breathes. She wants that fictional perfect guy.
She's been trying to feel good about herself, but it is a daily struggle.
She blames the town, she blames her genetics, she blames God, and she blames herself.
"If only my nose was a little smaller," "My eyes more colorful,"
She just wishes she could change things.
It's poisonous. 
Change how she sees herself, how other people see her and change her surroundings. But she knows this wont happen overnight.
So she tries.
And tries. And it gets a little better, day by day.
She tries.