holy shnitzel

Love soaking in beautiful sights. 

Yeah, so I went to Homer, AK this past weekend for a Youth Court Conference. 

It was kickin'. 

So many so very odd people that are so comfortable with who they are and how they are, I loved it. 

...And a few very attractive-looking guys. 

I've seem to have developed a defensive shield of flirty-ness and have become this player girl that flirts with everyone. 

I feel like I have to compensate for the things I don't like about myself with the things I know I rock. 

I sit around in self-reflection and realize how much of a cocky prick I've become, while deep down I still see myself as this odd-looking awkward little girl. 

And I don't even know.

I don't even know how I WANT to act! Is Rosa a flirt? Is she awkward? Is she a crazy mofo? I just dunno mayne.

I'll tell you if I ever figure that out. 

It's kind of getting pretty bad, because I had a couple of the most quirky, sweet guys on the hook in Homer and all I wanted to do was flirt with no regrets, except I kind of forget people still have feelings.  Crazy, I know! Who would have thought? 

InsideUp&UpsideDown&RightsideSideways&FrontBack&UpDown.

Um, what?
Seriously, can someone tell me what's going on? Because I sure don't know. Lets start somewhere.

SisterBrother- Well, it sucks so freaking much it isn't even funny. I'm starting to realize now that no matter what, things are never going to work. Which makes me sad, because he makes me so happy. But he drinks, which worries me and he smokes sometimes, I guess. Which is yuck. And then there's the fact that he's a major horndog. Like he sleeps around with lots of girls and is all experienced, which I obviously am not. Not that I would sleep with him of course, but yeah.

Okay, new people to add to my dilemmas!
-Meet Mr.Mess. I am pretty sure he likes me. What?
Yeah.  He wanted to take me to the movies this weekend, thankfully my schedule didn't work to go with him. Don't get me wrong, he's cool, but just... I don't want to lead him on because I'm not really interested. I've heard that he is can be clingy and kind of bugging.

-Meet Champ.
We were going to also go watch a movie a couple weekends ago, but my mom didn't want me out because I had "already been out too much this weekend." What the heck? But anyway, I have no freaking clue if hes interested in me. He's cute, and has potential. He's friendly, and hugs me every day in the hallway, but I'm not sure he sees me like that.

-Meet BigMan.
He's in college. Dang, right?
Started texting me at random and calling me pretty. He's origionally from here, and is coming to visit for break. He asked me to *drumroll* go to the movies with him.
What?
Seriously?
You're asking a high school girl? there are ten million pretty girls at the college he's at.  Why me? I have the sinking feeling he needs a rebound or this is a prank or SOMETHING, but it definitely is weird.

So, yeah.
Did I all the sudden become attractive towards guys? Like what's so great about me now that makes the more attracted?
I also kind of don't really know how to handle all this attention? It's weird. I feel like I'm pretending to be a normal teenager.
Wat?

I feel so freaking boy crazy! I'm annoying the crap out of myself.

Whoah.

Sooooo. A lot has happened.

First off: my race last week! It went okay, I had side stitch but still won by about 40 seconds. The course was INSAANE.
This past weekend I went with my team to Anchorage to compete with the bigger Anchorage schools, and I came in 2nd place (13 seconds behind the top ranked runner in the region right now.) It was an awesome race, and I managed to not get side stitch and came home with a new PR of 19:54, 4 seconds faster than my state time last year.

But anyways.
Someone asked me to go see a move with him yesterday.

Yeah.

Crazy. The thing is, he is a quite popular senior that I've always been kind of friends with and worked with him this summer, so I was (and am) a little skeptical. I asked him what brought on asking me to a movie all the sudden and he said some sweet (but gushy) thing about me being attractive and whatnot. I am a little afraid this might be some sort of bet or something he has with his friends. My teammate had something similar happen to her.

I'm kind of afraid to be too excited.
I'm also kind of afraid, because I don't really have much experience in the dating arena... I am also afraid of my parents.
And my siblings.

They are embarrassing.

While we were texting, he mentioned in a cute way that he wants to find out if I'm a good kisser or not..
Am I?
I've only kissed one other person in my lifetime, and I barely remember it I was so nervous.

Plus, there's the fact that I am awkward.
Very, very awkward.
But we'll see how things go.

Caio for now, <-- look at me, getting all poetic
Rosa

Beauty is only skin deep. -Thomas Overbury

I kind of hate myself a lot.

A friend is one who knows you and loves you just the same. -Elbert Hubbard

Don't you love/hate/love those moments when you can NOT stop giggling? Even in the WORST places? Some of the most pure forms of joy I have. Wait, of course I do... I am talking to myself.

Nothing to do here...

Kidding. Thankfully I find myself funny.

But I really do love giggling, the kind that rolls out of me.

On the other side of things, I hate feeling helpless when I am not able to cheer people up. It's awful to think of the sadness they are feeling. 

What I'm really trying to talk about is friends. These are the wonderful ups and downs to friendship. You give and take, so the average is always the same, that's what makes best friends. I am SO lucky to have several best friends that put up with my bossy-awkward-loud-obnoxious-weird Rosa self. Sometimes, actually a lot, I really do doubt myself and ask WHY THE HECK DO THEY LIKE ME?! But it is because they are wonderful people. I try to return the wonderfulness with honesty and help and advice and compliments. What more can I do?

Like I said, the average is always the same. What goes up, must come down. What goes down, must come up.
=Life.

I really should  go slumber.
De beaux rêves,
-rosa