Whee isn't life fun?

I think I owe you all (probably a whopping no one) and explanation of my life right now.
We'll so ten million years ago I wrote a post about my trip to Homer, yes? Well there was this one guy there that I kind of got to know and stuff and it turned out that he was a cross country runner too so I kind of kept in touch with him and then we saw each other at a meet a while back and started talking more again. Then by state we were hella flirting and stuff and so I went to a college fair and he drove me up to go to it too and we spent so much time together and held hands and stuff and yeah so we were basically together but then last week I just was done with doing long distance and stuff so I ended that. And then there's this freshman that I thought was pretty cool and we hung out helping out with the haunted house and I wanted to become better friends with him so we  started chatting and my goodness now he is saying he has a small crush and me and stuff and eesh I just wanted to be friends but he is way flirty... So. Oh well. I'll just continue on but I'm definitely not dating him because that would be super weird. I care about what people think of me way too much.

In other news, me and Ralayne (see past posts) aren't friends anymore. We don't even talk. I've written about her making me feel shit and stuff and she did. And she would always get annoyed at me for  everything. It made me feel crappy. So now we aren't friends. Sometimes I really really miss her, though. I don't like not having a complete best friend here, which just makes me want to graduate even more.

Another thing is the hella stress of senior year.... My geography book took forever to come in so I'm behind in that, I'm behind in my personal finance course just because I haven't been doing it, and I had to change literature course so I'm starting from scratch with that. And to top it all off, my laptop has crapped out so I'm typing this on an iPad. Wheee.

Isn't life fun?

:)

I just need to survive to graduation...

I love you all,
Rosa

Prom Protips

• While getting asked to prom is cute and fun and makes you feel special, it's a lot of work to have to stay with your date the entire time and to make sure to dance with them enough.
• Give yourself enough time to get ready. There's nothing like last minute makeup to mess up your look.
• Never wear a strapless if your boobs aren't huge. No matter how tight you get it, you'll be pulling up your dress the entire night.
• Bud up with someone that has wheels to go wherever with you.
• Try and make some sort of pre prom plan with said buddy
• If you like dancing, try to get your entire group to come shortly after it has started. That way you will get in lots of dancing with lots of people. 
• If you want to slow dance with a specific person, make sure to be in the right spot to grab them
• When dancing, try to just let loose and loosen up, you look uncomfortable dancing if  you are uncomfortable. Just go with the flow!
• Try not to grind. It'a unpleasant for everyone around you to see.
• People are the craziest partiers right after the event. Avoid these, it's very easy to catch you on prom night.

holy shnitzel

Love soaking in beautiful sights. 

Yeah, so I went to Homer, AK this past weekend for a Youth Court Conference. 

It was kickin'. 

So many so very odd people that are so comfortable with who they are and how they are, I loved it. 

...And a few very attractive-looking guys. 

I've seem to have developed a defensive shield of flirty-ness and have become this player girl that flirts with everyone. 

I feel like I have to compensate for the things I don't like about myself with the things I know I rock. 

I sit around in self-reflection and realize how much of a cocky prick I've become, while deep down I still see myself as this odd-looking awkward little girl. 

And I don't even know.

I don't even know how I WANT to act! Is Rosa a flirt? Is she awkward? Is she a crazy mofo? I just dunno mayne.

I'll tell you if I ever figure that out. 

It's kind of getting pretty bad, because I had a couple of the most quirky, sweet guys on the hook in Homer and all I wanted to do was flirt with no regrets, except I kind of forget people still have feelings.  Crazy, I know! Who would have thought? 

analogies

Analogies, how I love you. So imagine this: you're at a candy store, and you're trying to figure out what you want to buy with your dollar. All you're seeing is cheapo disgusting candy, candy that's good, but hardened, some that you like but just don't feel like it, huge bags you could never afford and candy that's just a couple cents more than you could afford and you cannot seem to find those last few cents. 
Now imagine, if you will, my small town in the AK. 300 kids in my school. You've got the guys who are cheapo and disgusting, you've got the guys you're not really ever going to be into- no matter how you try, good looking guys that have hardened into jerks, guys that are way outta your league, and the ones that are cute and you're interested, but they cannot seem to notice you. 
That's my problem. 
But it's okay, because I don't need to be eating candy anyways. I'm busy with sports, and I don't need the extra weight.
There is SUCH a craving though, am I the only one around here that just wants to cuddle with someone muscular?

not with a bang but with a whimper

Not With A Bang But With A Whimper. Not With A Bang But With A Whimper. Not With A Bang But With A Whimper.
Those thoughts that run through your head. That make your heart pound. Not a feeling but a sound.
Down goes the day, and the other seems so far away.
That how you can feel. That's how you can breathe. That's how you can love and give and live and survive. One day at a time. 
Think about it. 

Not With A Bang But With A Whimper.
Do you ever feel on top of the world? I have. Then there's that moment that is a weight. Maybe 200 kilos.  Maybe more. Maybe less. It gets tired to your leg. Or maybe arm. Or maybe neck. It drags you down with such force. I  get whiplash. Emotions all crazy. Crazy crazy crazy.
Do you think many people crash and burn? Everyone. Do most people cry and yelp and whine and weep?
Do most people grunt and endure and deal? Do most people whimper? 

Not With A Bang But With A Whimper.

The world tried to end. Not With A Bang But With A Whimper.

Do I believe it? No.
Does the thought scare me?
Yes.

Not With A Bang But With A Whimper.

2012 is pretty much done.
Not With A Bang But With A Whimper.


I stopped talking to BigMan.
Not much to say about that, but:
drinker/partier. Player. Looking for someone to kiss on New Years?

Not With A Bang But With A Whimper.
Champ's done.
?Dating? someone else.

Not With A Bang But With A Whimper.

Sibling fights, tension.
Sucks.

Time well spent or not spent well enough?
Not With A Bang But With A Whimper.

Happy almost birthday, Blog.
Celebrate Not With A Bang But With A Whimper.

Maybe I should make some resolutions?

Should I?

2012 has been quite the year.

• AWG
• Ski season
• Summer- work
• XC season.
• 2nd place. State. 
• Math at high school.
• Boys, boys, boys.
  Champ, BigMan, Mr.Mess, SisterBrother, Camo, Beast, etc. 
• Self image battling. Not With A Bang But With A Whimper.
• Blogging. 
• Life
• Siblings at home. 
• Thanksgiving. Christmas. 

Not With A Bang But With A Whimper.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time. -Abraham Lincoln

While I was at my brother's wedding, someone approached me and told me something along the lines of "a smile is the window into someone's soul." He then told me I had a beautiful smile and that I shouldn't be shy to show it off. Wat.
I hadn't realized this until while I was slow dancing with SisterBrother, and he asked me, "Why do you always look away when you smile? Your smile is beautiful." Well shucks. :)
It definitely didn't start that way, I'll tell you that. And obviously you know, dear reader, the terrible woes of my braces. I am so thankful to have beautiful teeth. But I think it's more than that. I am usually a very joyful person. Therefore I express this through my facial expressions. I think I started looking away when I smile quite some time ago, because I was very self-conscious about my teeth. I didn't want anyone to see, well, how unattractive they were. I guess I have to get over this now.

It's starting to weird me out with how much attention I have been getting from guys recently. Just last night I got a message on Facebook saying hello from someone I haven't really talked to since he graduated last year. Weird much? But the weirdest part of all was that after I answer his question of how have I been doing with "Good," he said "You're looking good ;)" And then when I told him I had to go to bed he told me "Goodnight beautiful." 
What?
Annnd, this other guy at school has been texting me and we almost went to a movie together last weekend, and he will tell me about how my hugs make his day and stuff.
Huh.

It's like my the whole male atmosphere has been changing, but I don't really feel like I've changed? 

P.S., I got a new necklace. Easily my new favorite.

Look, pictures!!

For cereal?

So...

So.
 Lately it seems like I cannot make up my mind. One minute I'm rocking a hair-do or outfit, and the next I will totally doubt myself and get uber self-conscious and stuff. What's up with that?
Adii.

So I raced yesterday! Not my  best race ever, but I got fourth behind three girls from a 4A school, and their team got first for 4A, so I'm not extremely upset. It just  bugs me because I feel like I could have done better.

This past weekend I went to watch  the wrestling matches, and got to scope out some cute guys.;) Oh good gosh I am theee worst, but who can blame a girl for noticing when guys are walking around shirtless?! Mmmmm.
Haha.                                                  -Ro

EAT ALL THE CANDY.

So I raced at state this week! Let me just say:
BEST. RACE. EVER.:)
I got past that pain wall I've been getting stuck behind all season. (I got pushed once and I got kicked with spikes in the calf and didn't notice. At all.) I pushed past all the other girls (except one) to get second place. By less. Than. A. Second. It was crazy! I turned into this crazy runner person who shoves past people and bleeds and doesn't notice. Like a boss. But I also got to see some friends! It was ahh-mazing. I got to see some old besties that just moved out of my hometown, a family that used to live here once upon a time, my friends from my trip to Canada, and some running buddies. Talk about a great trip! I felt so cool knowing so many people. :]

So I got complimented about my style today! Thank you random sweet girl.:)
I was talking to my friend and she was standing there too (mind you, my school is very small so there aren't very many people's names I don't know...) and she told me "Wow, you always have the cutest outfits!"
I'm glad I don't look crazy! I've been a little more courageous lately about my style.
I feel like I've been pretty blazé about guys lately... It's kind of whatever, I guess. Rosa Don't Need No Man;) Sike, I love being close to guys, but it's just sooo much work. For reals. And there's the ol' gossip mill of the school. So yeah.

Soooooo tomorrow I turn 16! Actually, I'm not too pumped. It's kind of whatever. I mean I don't hate it, but I'm not like "ZOMG IT'S MY BIRTHDAY EVERYONE BOW DOWN TO ME AND I'M GONNA PARTY ALL NIGHT CAUSE IT'S MY BIRTHDAY WOOO SWEET 16!!!" ...Or something like that...

:)
But it'll be fun, I'm having a movie night with some gals tomorrow and my friend is going to spend the night at my house and we're gonna be all "EAT ALL THE CANDY" Now that the season's done, and then Saturday my other friend is taking me out to dinner with another group of friends I have.

Anyways, tooodle-looo!


P.S., tomorrow is compliment a stranger day. Do it.
I left sticky notes on the girls' bathroom mirrors saying stuff like "you are gorgeous." and "own it" and "you look great today =)" and "you got this."   :)

whoaah whiplash.

Okay, so I was totally into this guy in my last two posts, right? Well I think I was just really into the idea of dating. And someone liking me.
But nope.

Rosa, what do you mean by whiplash?
Well, dearest reader, he was talking like we would be dating throughout basketball season and on, but no. He then proceeded to say that he wanted to take things slow. So we went to the movie, and the only thing interesting that happened was our legs touched. Fabulous. Before we went to the crappy movie, he came a braved my family for a while, but he was texting this one girl he previously had something with. The. Entire. Time.
For cereal?
And I'm pretty certain he is still into her.
So after I had talked to my parents and gotten the dating talk, etc., fallen for him, and gone on a crappy date, he told me that it was weird for him because I am a lot like my best friend, who he sees as little sister.
asdfghjkl;.

I know I know it sounds like I am quite eloquent with my anger, but I'm actually not that angry.
I was able to stay fatuous and jocular, and I was surprised that it didn't effect me too much. The only bugging thing is my family still asks about him.

Ooh high school. You continue to be just lovely.

Toodles.
Rosa

butterflies and trembles

Sooo. This boy.

I saw him at school today and he sat next to me and put his arm around me and it was so nice.(:
But I was trying to cut out a bunch of paw prints for locker posters while he was sitting by me, and I just COULD NOT keep my hands still! I don't want to be that girl who swoons a lot. -_-
But yeah. He still wants to kiss me. Good gosh I hope I'm a good kisser.
That's about when the butterflies kick in.

Oh my.

I feel like I am some person pretending to live a typical teenage life right now.



Anyways.

Bonjour,,
Rosa

I need some more outside culture.

So I travel tomorrow for running. I am excited.
I am also proud of myself, because I have been making a honest effort to look nice every day of the week. I don't want to jump the gun a bit, but I feel like my fashion sense has increased quite a bit.
I like to look nice. It gives me confidence, even though I'm  always checking myself for anything embarrassing. But really, is it so bad to be self aware?

So I have been perusing blogs from all over the wold today (Believe me, I don''t get too much outside culture in my town of 3,500 people.) I stumbled upon this on post that was so totally honest. It went something like:
"Guys these days.  They can be awesome, cute, sweet, kind, emotional, truthful, considerate, and respectful.  Really? haha  Somewhere... in each one, there are these amazing qualities just waiting to come out.  The problem is, right now, their dream girl is Katy Perry or some Victoria Secret model.  Their favorite artist is Lil Wayne and Wiz Khalifa. They’ve stopped looking at us as sweet girls that just want a real relationship based on trust and respect (haha did you just laugh?).  We girls, at some point, felt like we had to live up to Katy Perry, or sprout angel wings to get their attention.  I think this is why some girls, who are reallycool people, change themselves, get with guys, or dress and act like their easy.

My dad told me that when he was in school, guys only acted like that because they wanted to be cool.. so they could get the girls.  Posters in their rooms, talking like pervs, disrespecting girls, and getting with anyone that would put out.  He said what all the guys really wanted (but couldn't say it) was a relationship, and they wanted a relationship with the girls in school that were the hardest to get, because they had high standards and self-respect.  Interesting huh?  You mean girls act and look easy because they think guys want that?  And guys act like pervs to be cool, but really want a respectable girl?"

I can totally relate and see where she was coming from.

I'm am sorry, most of my posts these days are about guys.
But that's what's been on my mind!

Jealousy is a terrible thing. Which is why I am terrible.

So we all have that one friend that is pretty much better than us at everything... right?
Well, I do.
She is one of my best friends in the world, but she sometimes makes me feel so ugly compared to her.
Don't get me wrong, she always is amazing and compliments me and stuff, it's just. Yeah. I don't even compare to her.
She has the cutest little feet, skinny but not scrawny legs, a cute belly (she's skinnier than me, and eats healthier, too.) nicely shaped arms and hands (she's stronger...) a cute shaped face, pretty eyes, a normal shaped nose, and beautiful hair. All the guys in this freaking town have liked her (or have kind of dated her) and she is so good around guys.
It kills me every time I see more guys (and guys I think are cute but don't notice me) flirting with her. It seriously makes me feel like dirt. I wish I could just yell "HELLO! THERE'S SOME BEAUTIFUL SOMEWHERE IN HERE!"
Yeah,,, I'm having a pity party up in my crib.
Blah.
Also, I've got PMS.
Also also, haha I've gotten too lazy to look up more quotes. So yeah.

Beauty is only skin deep. -Thomas Overbury

I kind of hate myself a lot.

"Sometimes when I have a problem, I just sing, then I realize my voice is worse than my problem."

Sometimes, I just feel really ugly. Inside and out.

I have ugly thoughts about annoying children.
I have ugly thoughts about people.
I have ugly thoughts about myself.
I have ugly thoughts about this town.
I have ugly thoughts about sports.
I have ugly thoughts about ages.
I have ugly thoughts aboout dumb teens.

I have a ugly nose.
I have ugly teeth.
I have ugly arms.
I have ugly, weird legs.
I have ugly boobs.
I have ugly clothes.
I have ugly feet.
I have ugly hair.

I have ugly insecurities and fears.
I have an ugly personality.
I have an ugly voice.
I have a ugly want to always be complimented and praised.
I have a ugly want to please.
I have a ugly want to be wanted.

Sorry, this is depressing, but it's all true.

I keep trying to stop thinking and talking about guys, but why don't they like me?! Every single other friend I have has been whistled to, asked out, or SOMETHING.
I get weird and ugly stalkers.
Arghh.
I just want to feel beautiful.

Rosa.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live. -Jean-Paul Sartre

asdfghjklmnbvcxz
There has been SO much going on this last month! So, a run down:

WMO: Still sick, placed 2nd both days. Super fun otherwise, other then coughing so hard one night I puked.
WISA: Second place the first day only EIGHTEEN SECONDS behind TheLady-_-, and fourth for the biathlon...Not my best race. But next year I'm going to go at it hard, skiing on my off days, doing ab and arm work, etc.  And this summer I am going to shoot lots!
I've also been helping with the ADORABLE fourth graders, and it makes me super  happy how excited they are about skiing.

After I got back from Galena the following week I had HSGQE's, which were a bundle of joy... NOT. It helped me realize how far behind I still am for math, yikes. But yeah, those were long and grueling.

And THEN, I have been attending Youth Court meetings, and staff mettings for JROTC. I have had SO much work to do because I fell very very behind when I missed all those meetings for ski practices, and our super important formal inspection is Tuesday.
Annnd, on top of that, I've had to write an essay and fill out an application for National Honor Society. But I got accepted!
In my very near future I get to look forward to memorizing a pledge, going to NHS practices, and studying for my permit test! Oh dear.
So in short, life has been crazy.
So up at the emotional front, I've been having to deal with bad hair days, pimples, and grandma that had a heart attack. I spent one night crying myself to sleep. Not a fun night.
I can't help but feel very average lately. Maybe guys don't dig me because I'm not easy? 'Cause I don't flirt with everyone I see? Because I'm ugly? Because I don't show my boobs? Because I friendzone people? I wanna shout in their faces that if they like me, JUST GET THE GUTS TO TELL ME. Goodness.

P.S., here are some pictures!

 
Well, goodnight. Or morning, whatever floats your boat.

A runner must run with dreams in his heart, not money in his pocket. -Emil Zatopek

Let me just say: Canada is pretty much like Alaska...Well at least Yukon is.
My goodness that was a wonderful trip! I loved that no one knew who anyone was, so there were no assumptions or stereotypes.Plus lots of cool new people to meet! And beautiful people...:D
Let me just say Canadians are HOT. Dear goodness I wish this certain guy wasn't in a different country, otherwise I would TOTALLY date him.
But yeah, I love my Canadian friends.
Although, I got a couple stalkers while I was there:S

Anyways, here's some pictures and stuff.
-Rosa


Love on.

♡

A thing of beauty is a joy forever: its loveliness increases; it will never pass into nothingness. -John Keats

I think I've come to terms with being average.

I mean, it's not too  bad,
besides the friendzoning,
being  overlooked,   not
having  too  much  of  a
choice  in  dudes,  being
unsure  of   myself,   not
feeling  too   remarkable
and whatnot.

Who am I kidding?
It kinda sucks in some ways, but
not all.
I mean,
Friendships don't get messed up,
I  am  not  suck  hanging  around
with snooty people all the time, I
can be a bro with my guy friends,
I stay  out of trouble, I don't care
if I join nerdy groups, I don't fear
having a bad hair day because no
one notices.
It's got it's ups and downs, but heck. I cannot really change anything.
And hey, I'm not average at everything. I'm  not  average  at running,
skiing,   snowshoeing,   multi-tasking,   being   someone   to  vent to/
shoulder to lean on & working hard.

farewell.
-rosa.♡