not with a bang but with a whimper

Not With A Bang But With A Whimper. Not With A Bang But With A Whimper. Not With A Bang But With A Whimper.
Those thoughts that run through your head. That make your heart pound. Not a feeling but a sound.
Down goes the day, and the other seems so far away.
That how you can feel. That's how you can breathe. That's how you can love and give and live and survive. One day at a time. 
Think about it. 

Not With A Bang But With A Whimper.
Do you ever feel on top of the world? I have. Then there's that moment that is a weight. Maybe 200 kilos.  Maybe more. Maybe less. It gets tired to your leg. Or maybe arm. Or maybe neck. It drags you down with such force. I  get whiplash. Emotions all crazy. Crazy crazy crazy.
Do you think many people crash and burn? Everyone. Do most people cry and yelp and whine and weep?
Do most people grunt and endure and deal? Do most people whimper? 

Not With A Bang But With A Whimper.

The world tried to end. Not With A Bang But With A Whimper.

Do I believe it? No.
Does the thought scare me?
Yes.

Not With A Bang But With A Whimper.

2012 is pretty much done.
Not With A Bang But With A Whimper.


I stopped talking to BigMan.
Not much to say about that, but:
drinker/partier. Player. Looking for someone to kiss on New Years?

Not With A Bang But With A Whimper.
Champ's done.
?Dating? someone else.

Not With A Bang But With A Whimper.

Sibling fights, tension.
Sucks.

Time well spent or not spent well enough?
Not With A Bang But With A Whimper.

Happy almost birthday, Blog.
Celebrate Not With A Bang But With A Whimper.

Maybe I should make some resolutions?

Should I?

2012 has been quite the year.

• AWG
• Ski season
• Summer- work
• XC season.
• 2nd place. State. 
• Math at high school.
• Boys, boys, boys.
  Champ, BigMan, Mr.Mess, SisterBrother, Camo, Beast, etc. 
• Self image battling. Not With A Bang But With A Whimper.
• Blogging. 
• Life
• Siblings at home. 
• Thanksgiving. Christmas. 

Not With A Bang But With A Whimper.

raaaaaaaaaaaaaage.

Today was kind of shitty.
Not the 'could anything get worse than this?' Kind of crappy day, but the 'I don't feel like doing anything today and I have to do a lot but I cannot do the one thing I want to do today.' Yeah.

I think I'm also tired. From staying up to, ya know, one in the morning...

My mom was all stressin' about stuff yesterday and today, so she totally blew me off when I tried to tell her about me reading Poe and when I tried to read her my short response essay, which I'm pretty damn proud of. I know it shouldn't bother me, but it was even worse because she ignored me BOTH TIMES because my brother started talking to her, and we all know he take mothertrucking priority ALL THE TIME. And my mom doesn't even notice anymore.
What happened to being the spoiled baby of the family?

So the ONE THING I was wanting to do today was practice for my divers test which I can take in two weeks, so I texted my dad right after school and asked him, an apparently he tried to call me so he could 'make plans' for his evening, so since I didn't pick up he just ASSUMED I didn't want to, even though I didn't answer my cell because I was doing math and I left my phone in my bag so I wouldn't get distracted. So I asked my sister, and she said she would take me after I got my math and history done, so I cranked it out, motivated by the fact that I could FINALLY go driving and get some much needed practice, and we go out to the car and the fucking battery doesn't fucking work anymore.
Just my luck. So I rushed to get my homework done for now freaking reason, and I just feel crappy now.
I just wanted to do ONE thing... Annnnd on top of that my mom refuses to let me schedule a road test yet because she "doesn't have time to think about it right now." So what the fuck, am I just not going to get my license? ME GETTING IT WILL SAVE YOUR PRECIOUS TIME! Seriously.
Adiii.
So yeah, raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaage. Sorry about the rant, but it's all freaking true.

And whoohooo, I also get to take the PSAT's tomorrow. At 8:30 in the morning. Yaaaaaay...
-_-

I hope your day was 10x better than mine.

Rosa

All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better. -Ralph Waldo Emerson

So, this month has been crazy...
Oh, you want to hear what I've been up to?
*Deep breath*
Weeeeeeeeeeell...
Since last month I've beendoing lots of planning and prepping, I was applying for a biathlon rifle to practice marksmanship, I was planning JROTC's military ball, I was lining up a job at the public library for this summer, I was applying for working at a day camp again, I was  running and doing school. And theeeen, I left Nome behind for a week and a half.
My trip:
My mom, TheBoy and I flew into Anchorage and hopped on the road and drove for 8 hours to Fairbanks, and I got to stop by the dorms and hang out with GhostBaby, and then we went and crashed at our hotel.
The next few days went by fast with arguements, Graduations, and helping GhostBaby pack up his dorm... P.S., it was pretty cool to hang out in the dorm room.
After that we drove to Delta Junction to visit with my brother and his fiancee, and we went out for a nice dinner and ooooof course everyone was arguing. Again. But we love eachother. My mom, my sister, and my brother's fiancee and I went to the cute little bed and breakfast and stayed in a fancy cabin.
The next day, we went on the road (AGAIN) and drove back to Anchorage.
Folloing some rest at the hotel, we hopped in the van and went to David's Bridal to pick out a bridesmaid dress for me... THAT was a weird expirience for me, because you can't evaluate the dress prior to exiting the dressing room because there's no mirror, so you could look stupid and not knw it until everyone else has seen you. After that we went to Men's Wrehouse and then drove to Alyeska so my mom could check out the wedding venue.
The following day was flying day to go to Portland, and we got to visit my grandparents.
Friday we got to go to the Nike Employee Store and I got hooked up with a crap ton of gear which I REALLY needed. And then we got to go to Ross Dress for Less and got real cute and cheap stuff there. Anf then I got to run and go swimming(:
The next day was the graduation party at my aunt's really nice house, and let me tell you: my family rocks...
So my cousins are all quite older than me, and most are over 21. So the start playing beer pong RIGHT beside my aunts and uncles and grandparents... And then my DAD walks over and asks to be taught how to play... The day was filled with hanging out with lots of family and ping pong and basketball and frisbee with silly names. I love my family.

...Which brings me to today, and I'm finally sitting home in my own house, and I have a job interveiw, receiveing and shooting my rifle and meeting with BossLady about my job at the library and the last week of school!

So... Yeah. Life has been busy.

Growing up, I wanted desperately to please, to be a good girl. -Claire Danes

So yesterday, my mother said something that just about sums up everyone's expectations for me...
"[my brother, who has dyslexia] did that good, so you need to do better, because you don't have it as hard as him"
Great. What, me? Under pressure? No.
I'm just the youngest of 5 other siblings who have all pretty much succeeded: One is engaged, has a steady job and is living on his own. One is going to PRE MED, one is majoring is broadcasting and just made the deans list. One works SO HARD for EVERYTHING he has, and has lots of money saved up for his time in college.
Seriously? What more do I have to live up to?!
Oh yeah, my coaches my SUPER high expectations too, as well as my teams and friends and family members.
I supposed I have a fear of failing, which is why I don't like to try new things in front of other people.
everyone thinks everything comes easy for me, which is bulls***. School is hard for me to understand and I ALWAYS work hard when I work out. Which is why I like going places where no one know the rest of my family, so they don't make assumptions of "how I am" and who I am. I can just go and be Rosa. Not one of my older siblings little sister, but just me.

P.S. T minus nine days!