A good head and a good heart are always a formidable combination. -Nelson Mandela

So today I am going to be completely and utterly honest about some of the people I love and am really close to... All names are changed.
Okay, if any of these are about you, please don't be mad or think I'm trying to get back at you or am trying to change anything, these are just my thoughts I'm too chicken to say aloud and am afraid to think sometimes. If you really don't want to know the complete truth I would look away now.

TallMan: Okay, we're not really close anymore, but I wish we were. We used to hang out all the time, until you  started getting taller and filling out and getting older, and now it seems like you're to cool for me now. I used to have a huge crush on you but you were dumb and would subconsciously flirt with me which drove me crazy. Everyone would tease us and you'd just get red, and it just pushed you away... What happened? I miss you.
Henry makes me feel like such a loser, but I guess I kind of am at the high school. Which I hate, I hate being ugly and awkward.

FunSize: Girl you are like my sister. I love it when I am able too help you get through stuff and cheer you up and help. I miss being around you. You are so convinced you're weird and no very good looking, but dear you are so fucking elegant and sooo fucking pretty you have no idea and it makes me mad and kind of jealous sometimes. You doubt youself so much sometimes, and I wish you could beleive in youself sometimes and really see your amazing genious self.
I know it shouldn't, but it bugs me when you talk about your "Facebook Family" and such, because you would go on and on aobut how wonderful they are and I know I shouldn't, but it makes me jealous that you got that close to them while drifting further from me. I swear, sometimes I am the worst person on the earth.

Ralayne: Gosh you are so gorgeous and I secretly hate you for it. You go on and on aout how big your thighs are and how fat you are, but you are the perfect fucking size and I get so jealous cause you have the perfect thigh size, the perfect wrists that aren't real fat but aren't so weirdly scrawny like mine and your boobs are the perfect size and your hair is so gorgeous and I get so jealous because you don't get many pimples and you look pretty even right after we work out.
But adii girl you drive me crazy because you will completely ignore me sometimes and when we do hang out you don't always listen because you are always on your phone, but you never text me back. I get so jealous when you talk about hanging out with your friends and the fun times you had with all them guys, and it makes me feel like even more or a loser and a low life, because even when you do invite me (which is never, now) I feel like the loser tag-a-long. All them boys always end up liking you, and I can't figure out why no one will notice me that isn't a loser! I am becoming such a jealous bitch it's not even funny. You always talk about Jake being your best friend and stuff and I always get a pang of jealousy (yeah, I'm kind of a jealous bitch) because I so dearly want to get back closer with you, because I see you as my best friend.

BohemianPrincess: Oh, dear Margaret. Sometimes I swear you hate me and hate spending time with me, but you always run up when you see me on front street to give me a hug. I'm glad you got that babysitting job with my co-worker!
Gosh girl you are so tiny and hang out with guys so easily, and you are so shy it's cute. I'm pretty sure you don't realize how beautiful you are. I swear, your hair is like a goddesss's, and your facial shape is gorg.
It is kind of hard sometimes to hang out with you because you don't really like to talk very much, but sometimes that's okay, and we have so much fun!

Helga: Gosh I love you. Like seriously, SO MUCH. I love that you're always game to hang out or run, and you're always ready to run hard, get muddy, or go to the beach with me. I'm going to miss you. I'm going to feel like such a low life while you're gone, because you are one of the main people I hang out with and I'm going to be a hermit on the weeknights. I absolutely love that you are so delighted to see me all the time, it makes me happy.:]
Sometimes you get a little embarrassing or crazy, but that's also one of the things I love about you. It infuriates me sometimes when you and Catherine get really buddy buddy because I end up feeling really left out, which you wouldn't think would be a prolem because I'm already left out of eveything. Your hair is the most gorgeous hair, love. If you ever thought about cutting it, it would look nice in pretty much any haircut. I hate your hair and it's non-frizziness.

TheLady: Oh, lady. You're too old and it's scaring me.  You are so sweet! You are so loud and outgoing and friends with all them guys, and I sort of get jelly. You're getting old and it's not cool because you're leaving! :'( But you keep drifting further from me and I miss being close to you.
Girl, you are so sweet and I love that you listen to my rants and can relate to me with annoying brothers. I hate you for how much raw beauty you have without even trying, and how much you don't give a fuck about what other people think about you.

Please don't be mad about anything I said.
I love you all,
Ro

All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better. -Ralph Waldo Emerson

So, this month has been crazy...
Oh, you want to hear what I've been up to?
*Deep breath*
Weeeeeeeeeeell...
Since last month I've beendoing lots of planning and prepping, I was applying for a biathlon rifle to practice marksmanship, I was planning JROTC's military ball, I was lining up a job at the public library for this summer, I was applying for working at a day camp again, I was  running and doing school. And theeeen, I left Nome behind for a week and a half.
My trip:
My mom, TheBoy and I flew into Anchorage and hopped on the road and drove for 8 hours to Fairbanks, and I got to stop by the dorms and hang out with GhostBaby, and then we went and crashed at our hotel.
The next few days went by fast with arguements, Graduations, and helping GhostBaby pack up his dorm... P.S., it was pretty cool to hang out in the dorm room.
After that we drove to Delta Junction to visit with my brother and his fiancee, and we went out for a nice dinner and ooooof course everyone was arguing. Again. But we love eachother. My mom, my sister, and my brother's fiancee and I went to the cute little bed and breakfast and stayed in a fancy cabin.
The next day, we went on the road (AGAIN) and drove back to Anchorage.
Folloing some rest at the hotel, we hopped in the van and went to David's Bridal to pick out a bridesmaid dress for me... THAT was a weird expirience for me, because you can't evaluate the dress prior to exiting the dressing room because there's no mirror, so you could look stupid and not knw it until everyone else has seen you. After that we went to Men's Wrehouse and then drove to Alyeska so my mom could check out the wedding venue.
The following day was flying day to go to Portland, and we got to visit my grandparents.
Friday we got to go to the Nike Employee Store and I got hooked up with a crap ton of gear which I REALLY needed. And then we got to go to Ross Dress for Less and got real cute and cheap stuff there. Anf then I got to run and go swimming(:
The next day was the graduation party at my aunt's really nice house, and let me tell you: my family rocks...
So my cousins are all quite older than me, and most are over 21. So the start playing beer pong RIGHT beside my aunts and uncles and grandparents... And then my DAD walks over and asks to be taught how to play... The day was filled with hanging out with lots of family and ping pong and basketball and frisbee with silly names. I love my family.

...Which brings me to today, and I'm finally sitting home in my own house, and I have a job interveiw, receiveing and shooting my rifle and meeting with BossLady about my job at the library and the last week of school!

So... Yeah. Life has been busy.

Life is wasted on the living. -Douglas Adams

I think I am Bozo the Clown and Yoda's lovechild.
I seem to have a knack for cheering people up, or providing insight into people's problems.
It feels good to help.
But, I sure with there was a Rosa for me!

I still feel ugly. Looking around at all these gorgeous girls, that are pretty inside and out, I feel so... Average. It sucks. And even if they're ugly on the inside, at least they're pretty, and have something for them. I just have... Trying to be nice.
Which sucks, because I am forever overlooked. Ugh. I just want to be wanted.
And even the average or okay-ish girls get guys that flirt with them and get boyfriends!
WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?!

I hate high school.

"Sometimes when I have a problem, I just sing, then I realize my voice is worse than my problem."

Sometimes, I just feel really ugly. Inside and out.

I have ugly thoughts about annoying children.
I have ugly thoughts about people.
I have ugly thoughts about myself.
I have ugly thoughts about this town.
I have ugly thoughts about sports.
I have ugly thoughts about ages.
I have ugly thoughts aboout dumb teens.

I have a ugly nose.
I have ugly teeth.
I have ugly arms.
I have ugly, weird legs.
I have ugly boobs.
I have ugly clothes.
I have ugly feet.
I have ugly hair.

I have ugly insecurities and fears.
I have an ugly personality.
I have an ugly voice.
I have a ugly want to always be complimented and praised.
I have a ugly want to please.
I have a ugly want to be wanted.

Sorry, this is depressing, but it's all true.

I keep trying to stop thinking and talking about guys, but why don't they like me?! Every single other friend I have has been whistled to, asked out, or SOMETHING.
I get weird and ugly stalkers.
Arghh.
I just want to feel beautiful.

Rosa.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live. -Jean-Paul Sartre

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There has been SO much going on this last month! So, a run down:

WMO: Still sick, placed 2nd both days. Super fun otherwise, other then coughing so hard one night I puked.
WISA: Second place the first day only EIGHTEEN SECONDS behind TheLady-_-, and fourth for the biathlon...Not my best race. But next year I'm going to go at it hard, skiing on my off days, doing ab and arm work, etc.  And this summer I am going to shoot lots!
I've also been helping with the ADORABLE fourth graders, and it makes me super  happy how excited they are about skiing.

After I got back from Galena the following week I had HSGQE's, which were a bundle of joy... NOT. It helped me realize how far behind I still am for math, yikes. But yeah, those were long and grueling.

And THEN, I have been attending Youth Court meetings, and staff mettings for JROTC. I have had SO much work to do because I fell very very behind when I missed all those meetings for ski practices, and our super important formal inspection is Tuesday.
Annnd, on top of that, I've had to write an essay and fill out an application for National Honor Society. But I got accepted!
In my very near future I get to look forward to memorizing a pledge, going to NHS practices, and studying for my permit test! Oh dear.
So in short, life has been crazy.
So up at the emotional front, I've been having to deal with bad hair days, pimples, and grandma that had a heart attack. I spent one night crying myself to sleep. Not a fun night.
I can't help but feel very average lately. Maybe guys don't dig me because I'm not easy? 'Cause I don't flirt with everyone I see? Because I'm ugly? Because I don't show my boobs? Because I friendzone people? I wanna shout in their faces that if they like me, JUST GET THE GUTS TO TELL ME. Goodness.

P.S., here are some pictures!

 
Well, goodnight. Or morning, whatever floats your boat.