there once was a girl,

There once was a girl that loves to read books about cheesy teen romances. She read them with longing, jealously, and wanting. Wanting to be somewhere that there weren't the same people at school every day and where the variety of people was better, where it is harder for the school to know your business. Jealousy for the beautiful girls that don't know their beauty or do and have guys left and right. For their effortlessness in situations. Longing for someone special to make me happy, longing for the confirmation I crave.
Now, this same girl has grown and aged and become more wise, but all those things she wanted she still wants. She wants to feel beautiful and not self conscious, she wants guys to see her for who she is. She wants to have that effortless grace and beauty. She wants to meet better, sweeter guys that she reads about in her books. The ones who don't drink and party and smoke pot, who don't flirt with anything that breathes. She wants that fictional perfect guy.
She's been trying to feel good about herself, but it is a daily struggle.
She blames the town, she blames her genetics, she blames God, and she blames herself.
"If only my nose was a little smaller," "My eyes more colorful,"
She just wishes she could change things.
It's poisonous. 
Change how she sees herself, how other people see her and change her surroundings. But she knows this wont happen overnight.
So she tries.
And tries. And it gets a little better, day by day.
She tries.

For cereal?

So...

So.
 Lately it seems like I cannot make up my mind. One minute I'm rocking a hair-do or outfit, and the next I will totally doubt myself and get uber self-conscious and stuff. What's up with that?
Adii.

So I raced yesterday! Not my  best race ever, but I got fourth behind three girls from a 4A school, and their team got first for 4A, so I'm not extremely upset. It just  bugs me because I feel like I could have done better.

This past weekend I went to watch  the wrestling matches, and got to scope out some cute guys.;) Oh good gosh I am theee worst, but who can blame a girl for noticing when guys are walking around shirtless?! Mmmmm.
Haha.                                                  -Ro

I need some more outside culture.

So I travel tomorrow for running. I am excited.
I am also proud of myself, because I have been making a honest effort to look nice every day of the week. I don't want to jump the gun a bit, but I feel like my fashion sense has increased quite a bit.
I like to look nice. It gives me confidence, even though I'm  always checking myself for anything embarrassing. But really, is it so bad to be self aware?

So I have been perusing blogs from all over the wold today (Believe me, I don''t get too much outside culture in my town of 3,500 people.) I stumbled upon this on post that was so totally honest. It went something like:
"Guys these days.  They can be awesome, cute, sweet, kind, emotional, truthful, considerate, and respectful.  Really? haha  Somewhere... in each one, there are these amazing qualities just waiting to come out.  The problem is, right now, their dream girl is Katy Perry or some Victoria Secret model.  Their favorite artist is Lil Wayne and Wiz Khalifa. They’ve stopped looking at us as sweet girls that just want a real relationship based on trust and respect (haha did you just laugh?).  We girls, at some point, felt like we had to live up to Katy Perry, or sprout angel wings to get their attention.  I think this is why some girls, who are reallycool people, change themselves, get with guys, or dress and act like their easy.

My dad told me that when he was in school, guys only acted like that because they wanted to be cool.. so they could get the girls.  Posters in their rooms, talking like pervs, disrespecting girls, and getting with anyone that would put out.  He said what all the guys really wanted (but couldn't say it) was a relationship, and they wanted a relationship with the girls in school that were the hardest to get, because they had high standards and self-respect.  Interesting huh?  You mean girls act and look easy because they think guys want that?  And guys act like pervs to be cool, but really want a respectable girl?"

I can totally relate and see where she was coming from.

I'm am sorry, most of my posts these days are about guys.
But that's what's been on my mind!

Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it. -Confucius

So recently I've had a wake up call from what my friend Beatrice said to me. I don't remember her exact  writing, but one piece of word really stuck with me. She said that 1) I need to realize that I shouldn't put myself down so much and 2) I can't chamge how I look, so might as well embrace it and act with confidence.
Take my huge nose for example: I'll just think of it as adding contours to my face. My flat chest? All the better for running, plus I honestly don't care if people think my boobs are small, so what? My big feet? Spreads out the surface area for impact while running. +Higher heels without my feet hurting as much?
Screw other people's opinions, man. Plus, all them guys of my running team are like my bros. Plus they let me steal their heat and sleep on them without any weirdness.(:
It still kind of sucks, but screw it.

It has taken me FOREVER to write this! I have been SO SO SO busy with running, babysitting, work and school, it's not even funny. This week I put in about 29 miles! Pluuus I ran two community races this week.

Bonjour,
Rosa

Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom. -Thomas Jefferson

Okay, here’s a super duper long post!
Thursday we were going to go downhill ski at hilltop, but I guess it was closed because of icy conditions. My coach called Alyeska, the ski resort in Girdwood, and got us ski lift tickets and stuff. Man oh man, was it ever magical! After riding the ski lift a couple times and FREAKING out, I finally got used to the feeling and started to enjoy the wonderful-ness of basically floating through the air, watching people pass under me and such. I slowly got parallel turns down and my coach decided to take me and a couple others up on the tram and up to the almost-top of the mountain for some speedy down hills. It was slightly sketchy because of the lack of power, but amazing and fun nonetheless. Afterwards we drove back to Anchorage to swim and sleep.
Friday was much of the same at Alyeska, except my teammate took me down the wrong path and we ended up going down one of the most intense areas, which turned out to be the most fun! I crashed and burn A LOT, but I cannot complain too much. =] After downhill skiing for 5 hours, I decided to call it quits when four big bruises started to develop on my shins. After that we got to go shopping, but we didn’t have too much time, which was a bummer. After that we swam again in the wretched pool with scratchy bottom and sides.
Saturday I got to go to Kincaid, which has magical groomed trails. It was tough to start out with because I had been RUINED by downhill skis. Anyways, another skier that I will have to compete with for skimeister was there to ski with us, and for the first couple miles she was ahead of me. After hearing my coach encourage everyone and just rag on me about going slow, even though I was EXAUSTED and had the WORST cramps. Well, that bugged me. Like a lot. So I pushed HARD though the stomach clenching cramps and went hard, and kept up with my coach to show that I AM fast. But even then, I didn’t hear any “good jobs” or anything that EVERYONE else was getting, which kind of really bothered me, even though it really shouldn’t have. I know it shouldn’t bother me, but it always has that I work SO HARD and finally succeed, and then no one notices. I will admit that I really do need encouragement, because honestly, I have REALLY crappy self-esteem. Most people think I have an ego, but really it’s me trying to convince myself that I am not worthless and crappy at everything, because I never get feedback. I know it sounds dumb, but yeah. I think the reason people think I am whiney is because I am making excuses more to myself then anyone, so I don’t put myself down.
I have never admitted that. Honestly, I have the worst self-esteem. After out long ski we went to the mall, and I swear I ALWAYS feel like the ugly duckling, because my teammates always seem to look cute and I just look…Crappy. That’s why I HAVE TO in my mind succeed in sports, because it’s the only way I can convince myself I am not nothing…If that makes sense.
Anyways, Sunday I had a biathlon snowshoe race, and it reminded me of how much I LOVE running.
Monday morning I had to get up way early for a plane, so I didn’t sleep much at all, and looked crappy, as usual. The entire trip I was always being told I was annoying, bossy and whiney, and one of my teammates said that, aloud in the airport. In front of her parents…And mother…And pretty much everyone could hear. Which was great because EVERYONE then hear pretty much what I am SO EMABARRASSED about, and I truly am trying to work on. What bothered me the most though, was that I always get crap for my proclivities, and not one other person hears about theirs. Which makes me feel even more crappy because I guess I must be really bad. Who knows.
But yeah, I’m kind of just using this blog to put my thoughts in writing, as some sort of diary, I guess. Hopefully some of this makes sense.

Adiós,
-rosa