Okay, here’s a super duper long post!
Thursday we were going to go downhill ski at hilltop, but I guess it was closed
because of icy conditions. My coach called Alyeska, the ski resort in Girdwood,
and got us ski lift tickets and stuff. Man oh man, was it ever magical! After
riding the ski lift a couple times and FREAKING out, I finally got used to the
feeling and started to enjoy the wonderful-ness of basically floating through
the air, watching people pass under me and such. I slowly got parallel turns
down and my coach decided to take me and a couple others up on the tram and up
to the almost-top of the mountain for some speedy down hills. It was slightly
sketchy because of the lack of power, but amazing and fun nonetheless. Afterwards
we drove back to Anchorage to swim and sleep.
Friday was much of the same at Alyeska, except my teammate took me down the
wrong path and we ended up going down one of the most intense areas, which
turned out to be the most fun! I crashed and burn A LOT, but I cannot complain
too much. =] After downhill skiing for 5 hours, I decided to call it quits when
four big bruises started to develop on my shins. After that we got to go
shopping, but we didn’t have too much time, which was a bummer. After that we
swam again in the wretched pool with scratchy bottom and sides.
Saturday I got to go to Kincaid, which has magical groomed trails. It was tough
to start out with because I had been RUINED by downhill skis. Anyways, another skier
that I will have to compete with for skimeister was there to ski with us, and
for the first couple miles she was ahead of me. After hearing my coach
encourage everyone and just rag on me about going slow, even though I was
EXAUSTED and had the WORST cramps. Well, that bugged me. Like a lot. So I
pushed HARD though the stomach clenching cramps and went hard, and kept up with
my coach to show that I AM fast. But even then, I didn’t hear any “good jobs”
or anything that EVERYONE else was getting, which kind of really bothered me,
even though it really shouldn’t have. I know it shouldn’t bother me, but it
always has that I work SO HARD and finally succeed, and then no one notices. I
will admit that I really do need encouragement, because honestly, I have REALLY
crappy self-esteem. Most people think I have an ego, but really it’s me trying
to convince myself that I am not worthless and crappy at everything, because I
never get feedback. I know it sounds dumb, but yeah. I think the reason people
think I am whiney is because I am making excuses more to myself then anyone, so
I don’t put myself down.
I have never admitted that. Honestly, I have the worst self-esteem. After out
long ski we went to the mall, and I swear I ALWAYS feel like the ugly duckling,
because my teammates always seem to look cute and I just look…Crappy. That’s
why I HAVE TO in my mind succeed in sports, because it’s the only way I can
convince myself I am not nothing…If that makes sense.
Anyways, Sunday I had a biathlon snowshoe race, and it reminded me of how much
I LOVE running.
Monday morning I had to get up way early for a plane, so I didn’t sleep much at
all, and looked crappy, as usual. The entire trip I was always being told I was
annoying, bossy and whiney, and one of my teammates said that, aloud in the airport.
In front of her parents…And mother…And pretty much everyone could hear. Which
was great because EVERYONE then hear pretty much what I am SO EMABARRASSED
about, and I truly am trying to work on. What bothered me the most though, was
that I always get crap for my proclivities, and not one other person hears
about theirs. Which makes me feel even more crappy because I guess I must be
really bad. Who knows.
But yeah, I’m kind of just using this blog to put my thoughts in writing, as
some sort of diary, I guess. Hopefully some of this makes sense.
Adiós,
-rosa
