Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom. -Thomas Jefferson

Okay, here’s a super duper long post!
Thursday we were going to go downhill ski at hilltop, but I guess it was closed because of icy conditions. My coach called Alyeska, the ski resort in Girdwood, and got us ski lift tickets and stuff. Man oh man, was it ever magical! After riding the ski lift a couple times and FREAKING out, I finally got used to the feeling and started to enjoy the wonderful-ness of basically floating through the air, watching people pass under me and such. I slowly got parallel turns down and my coach decided to take me and a couple others up on the tram and up to the almost-top of the mountain for some speedy down hills. It was slightly sketchy because of the lack of power, but amazing and fun nonetheless. Afterwards we drove back to Anchorage to swim and sleep.
Friday was much of the same at Alyeska, except my teammate took me down the wrong path and we ended up going down one of the most intense areas, which turned out to be the most fun! I crashed and burn A LOT, but I cannot complain too much. =] After downhill skiing for 5 hours, I decided to call it quits when four big bruises started to develop on my shins. After that we got to go shopping, but we didn’t have too much time, which was a bummer. After that we swam again in the wretched pool with scratchy bottom and sides.
Saturday I got to go to Kincaid, which has magical groomed trails. It was tough to start out with because I had been RUINED by downhill skis. Anyways, another skier that I will have to compete with for skimeister was there to ski with us, and for the first couple miles she was ahead of me. After hearing my coach encourage everyone and just rag on me about going slow, even though I was EXAUSTED and had the WORST cramps. Well, that bugged me. Like a lot. So I pushed HARD though the stomach clenching cramps and went hard, and kept up with my coach to show that I AM fast. But even then, I didn’t hear any “good jobs” or anything that EVERYONE else was getting, which kind of really bothered me, even though it really shouldn’t have. I know it shouldn’t bother me, but it always has that I work SO HARD and finally succeed, and then no one notices. I will admit that I really do need encouragement, because honestly, I have REALLY crappy self-esteem. Most people think I have an ego, but really it’s me trying to convince myself that I am not worthless and crappy at everything, because I never get feedback. I know it sounds dumb, but yeah. I think the reason people think I am whiney is because I am making excuses more to myself then anyone, so I don’t put myself down.
I have never admitted that. Honestly, I have the worst self-esteem. After out long ski we went to the mall, and I swear I ALWAYS feel like the ugly duckling, because my teammates always seem to look cute and I just look…Crappy. That’s why I HAVE TO in my mind succeed in sports, because it’s the only way I can convince myself I am not nothing…If that makes sense.
Anyways, Sunday I had a biathlon snowshoe race, and it reminded me of how much I LOVE running.
Monday morning I had to get up way early for a plane, so I didn’t sleep much at all, and looked crappy, as usual. The entire trip I was always being told I was annoying, bossy and whiney, and one of my teammates said that, aloud in the airport. In front of her parents…And mother…And pretty much everyone could hear. Which was great because EVERYONE then hear pretty much what I am SO EMABARRASSED about, and I truly am trying to work on. What bothered me the most though, was that I always get crap for my proclivities, and not one other person hears about theirs. Which makes me feel even more crappy because I guess I must be really bad. Who knows.
But yeah, I’m kind of just using this blog to put my thoughts in writing, as some sort of diary, I guess. Hopefully some of this makes sense.


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