candids.

yayyy alaska!

bering sea freezin' over

Alaskan Yu'pik (you-pick) top called a kuspuk

not with a bang but with a whimper

Not With A Bang But With A Whimper. Not With A Bang But With A Whimper. Not With A Bang But With A Whimper.
Those thoughts that run through your head. That make your heart pound. Not a feeling but a sound.
Down goes the day, and the other seems so far away.
That how you can feel. That's how you can breathe. That's how you can love and give and live and survive. One day at a time. 
Think about it. 

Not With A Bang But With A Whimper.
Do you ever feel on top of the world? I have. Then there's that moment that is a weight. Maybe 200 kilos.  Maybe more. Maybe less. It gets tired to your leg. Or maybe arm. Or maybe neck. It drags you down with such force. I  get whiplash. Emotions all crazy. Crazy crazy crazy.
Do you think many people crash and burn? Everyone. Do most people cry and yelp and whine and weep?
Do most people grunt and endure and deal? Do most people whimper? 

Not With A Bang But With A Whimper.

The world tried to end. Not With A Bang But With A Whimper.

Do I believe it? No.
Does the thought scare me?
Yes.

Not With A Bang But With A Whimper.

2012 is pretty much done.
Not With A Bang But With A Whimper.


I stopped talking to BigMan.
Not much to say about that, but:
drinker/partier. Player. Looking for someone to kiss on New Years?

Not With A Bang But With A Whimper.
Champ's done.
?Dating? someone else.

Not With A Bang But With A Whimper.

Sibling fights, tension.
Sucks.

Time well spent or not spent well enough?
Not With A Bang But With A Whimper.

Happy almost birthday, Blog.
Celebrate Not With A Bang But With A Whimper.

Maybe I should make some resolutions?

Should I?

2012 has been quite the year.

• AWG
• Ski season
• Summer- work
• XC season.
• 2nd place. State. 
• Math at high school.
• Boys, boys, boys.
  Champ, BigMan, Mr.Mess, SisterBrother, Camo, Beast, etc. 
• Self image battling. Not With A Bang But With A Whimper.
• Blogging. 
• Life
• Siblings at home. 
• Thanksgiving. Christmas. 

Not With A Bang But With A Whimper.

InsideUp&UpsideDown&RightsideSideways&FrontBack&UpDown.

Um, what?
Seriously, can someone tell me what's going on? Because I sure don't know. Lets start somewhere.

SisterBrother- Well, it sucks so freaking much it isn't even funny. I'm starting to realize now that no matter what, things are never going to work. Which makes me sad, because he makes me so happy. But he drinks, which worries me and he smokes sometimes, I guess. Which is yuck. And then there's the fact that he's a major horndog. Like he sleeps around with lots of girls and is all experienced, which I obviously am not. Not that I would sleep with him of course, but yeah.

Okay, new people to add to my dilemmas!
-Meet Mr.Mess. I am pretty sure he likes me. What?
Yeah.  He wanted to take me to the movies this weekend, thankfully my schedule didn't work to go with him. Don't get me wrong, he's cool, but just... I don't want to lead him on because I'm not really interested. I've heard that he is can be clingy and kind of bugging.

-Meet Champ.
We were going to also go watch a movie a couple weekends ago, but my mom didn't want me out because I had "already been out too much this weekend." What the heck? But anyway, I have no freaking clue if hes interested in me. He's cute, and has potential. He's friendly, and hugs me every day in the hallway, but I'm not sure he sees me like that.

-Meet BigMan.
He's in college. Dang, right?
Started texting me at random and calling me pretty. He's origionally from here, and is coming to visit for break. He asked me to *drumroll* go to the movies with him.
What?
Seriously?
You're asking a high school girl? there are ten million pretty girls at the college he's at.  Why me? I have the sinking feeling he needs a rebound or this is a prank or SOMETHING, but it definitely is weird.

So, yeah.
Did I all the sudden become attractive towards guys? Like what's so great about me now that makes the more attracted?
I also kind of don't really know how to handle all this attention? It's weird. I feel like I'm pretending to be a normal teenager.
Wat?

I feel so freaking boy crazy! I'm annoying the crap out of myself.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time. -Abraham Lincoln

While I was at my brother's wedding, someone approached me and told me something along the lines of "a smile is the window into someone's soul." He then told me I had a beautiful smile and that I shouldn't be shy to show it off. Wat.
I hadn't realized this until while I was slow dancing with SisterBrother, and he asked me, "Why do you always look away when you smile? Your smile is beautiful." Well shucks. :)
It definitely didn't start that way, I'll tell you that. And obviously you know, dear reader, the terrible woes of my braces. I am so thankful to have beautiful teeth. But I think it's more than that. I am usually a very joyful person. Therefore I express this through my facial expressions. I think I started looking away when I smile quite some time ago, because I was very self-conscious about my teeth. I didn't want anyone to see, well, how unattractive they were. I guess I have to get over this now.

It's starting to weird me out with how much attention I have been getting from guys recently. Just last night I got a message on Facebook saying hello from someone I haven't really talked to since he graduated last year. Weird much? But the weirdest part of all was that after I answer his question of how have I been doing with "Good," he said "You're looking good ;)" And then when I told him I had to go to bed he told me "Goodnight beautiful." 
What?
Annnd, this other guy at school has been texting me and we almost went to a movie together last weekend, and he will tell me about how my hugs make his day and stuff.
Huh.

It's like my the whole male atmosphere has been changing, but I don't really feel like I've changed? 

P.S., I got a new necklace. Easily my new favorite.

Look, pictures!!

i'm kind of a messy person.

Before...

After!

The sad thing is, is that it doesn't take very long at ALL for it to get this bad. And this picture doesn't even capture the worst spot.

Anyways, so tonight while attempting to gargle my mouthwash apparently I did it wrong because it started to slip down my throat! Ahh the burn-_-. Only me.

21. If you could fly or breathe under water what would you prefer?
Fly?
22. Name a favorite sound, past or present.
Kids/Babies giggling.
23. I'm at my silliest when:
I'm around my close friends.
24. What do you love most about living in this country?
The people?
25. Once I ran away from home. Here's the story...
Well, one time I was super mad at my brother, so I decided to scare him and say I was running away, so I walked out of the house and hid in the grass 100 yards from my house. My mom was SO mad at me..
26. Would you dare to sleep in haunted house overnight?
I guess, as long as I wasn't alone!
27. What is the funniest story your mother tells about you?
Well, one time I got into the flour with my brother and was playing in it like a sandbox, complete with little piles of the stuff on my head.
28. You have to wear a t-shirt with one word on it for the rest of your life. Which word do you choose?
"Stinky"
29.What is the farthest road trip you have taken? To where and how long was it?
Washington to Couer d'Lane, 6 and then 8 hours?
30. I still can't believe I once:
Went to a different country!

there once was a girl,

There once was a girl that loves to read books about cheesy teen romances. She read them with longing, jealously, and wanting. Wanting to be somewhere that there weren't the same people at school every day and where the variety of people was better, where it is harder for the school to know your business. Jealousy for the beautiful girls that don't know their beauty or do and have guys left and right. For their effortlessness in situations. Longing for someone special to make me happy, longing for the confirmation I crave.
Now, this same girl has grown and aged and become more wise, but all those things she wanted she still wants. She wants to feel beautiful and not self conscious, she wants guys to see her for who she is. She wants to have that effortless grace and beauty. She wants to meet better, sweeter guys that she reads about in her books. The ones who don't drink and party and smoke pot, who don't flirt with anything that breathes. She wants that fictional perfect guy.
She's been trying to feel good about herself, but it is a daily struggle.
She blames the town, she blames her genetics, she blames God, and she blames herself.
"If only my nose was a little smaller," "My eyes more colorful,"
She just wishes she could change things.
It's poisonous. 
Change how she sees herself, how other people see her and change her surroundings. But she knows this wont happen overnight.
So she tries.
And tries. And it gets a little better, day by day.
She tries.

And to yourself you sometimes say "I never knew it was gonna be this way why didn't they tell me the day I was born?" -Bob Dylan

 I'm cheating again. 


11. What is your best personal characteristic?
Probably my kindness.
12. If you could be invisible for a day, what would you do?
Follow a guy around all day.
13. My biggest pet peeve is...
Being late.
14. Can you comfortably eat in a restaurant by yourself? Go to movie?
I don't think so.
15. What is the craziest (or stupidest) thing you have ever done?
I dropped a 100 lb. table on my toe and fractured it when I was about 8.
16. If you wrote a book about yourself...what would it be about?
My stupid adventures and embarrassing stories.
17. What is your best scar? Tell the story of how you got it.
My coolest one I have is on my elbow, I was at a friends house and they had this one bike that always made people crash, but me being the dumb kid I was decided to try and see for myself and I fell and cut my elbow and hands and hip.
18.  You have multiple personalities, describe some of them.
A) Mature, take charge Rosa B) Breaking lots of rules Rosa C) Around my closest friends Rosa D) Around strangers Rosa E) Around acquaintances Rosa F) Around old people Rosa G) In class Rosa
19. What is one thing about you people would be surprised to learn?
That I swear. A lot.
20. What takes you out of your comfort zone?

Crowds of people I don't know, having to wait without anything to do, dates.